Podcast: Lorena is one twisted sister! True Blood 3.02 & 3.03 RECAP

Blood Sorbet is on the menu, so who’s up for seconds? Brandi, Luz and Dayna catch up on True Blood season 3 episodes 2 & 3.

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True Blood Season Premiere Recap!

From Kelly Lynch, SOCIALITELIFE.com View full article

About a month ago I was charged with recapping new episodes of True Blood. Initially I hesitated, because I believe there are two vampire camps: Twilight and True Blood. I subscribed to the clean, doe-eyed tale Twilight told. But I accepted the challenge and committed to watching the first two seasons on HBO. After watching season one, I was hooked. Sure, the series is nauseating at times and a little (read: a lot) vulgar, but it's good. Insanely good. And no offense to my confederate friendifers, but True Blood sure does capture the redneck allure of the deep south. And as a reminder, the North won.

Take it away!

So here we have Bill in a hostage/kidnapping situation, while Sookie wonders who took her beloved (after she made him wait for an answer to the question. Now Bill is in a car with awful men who taketh his blood for the sake of getting high off V).

"I'm in no mood for lesbian weirdness tonight, Pam." Zing!

I'm so glad True Blood stuck to their promise of more nudity. I see Eric's behind, and I'm alright with it. Skarsgard sounds sewwwwww much like his father, Stellan.

Lafayette is in first place for best character in the series. The boy defends the honor of his friends, all while wearing feathers and rhinestones. I like him. He's good people. And I'm quite certain I just heard Lafayette say "Sorry Snook," to Sookie.

Sam just had an, um, "intimate" dream about Bill. Is it because he has Bill's blood?

Where oh where does Lafayette gets such clothin' as bedazzled smedium jerseys? And a feather in his fedora? Boyfriend don't need no trip to the big city. He's the queen of Bon Temp.

I don't like Hoyt's haircut. He looks even more like a child than last season. But I suppose we should applaud his effort to cut the cord and move out of mama's house.

Eric and Sophie-Anne are dealing V illegally and running from the law. What will become of the Louisiana vamps if Fangtasia goes out of business because the queen is hiding from the IRS?

Who is Sam's daddy and what does he do? How does one inherit shape-shifting?

Even after Maryanne's death, everyone in Bon Temp is so messed up. Tara can't recover from Eggs' death and Jason can't stop envisioning the bullet he put in Eggs' head on the girls he's trying to get biblical with. The devil went down to Louisiana, and he ain't never left.

Oh snap, now we're Twilight? Werewolves? For reals? At least we're not dragging out the "Bill's been captured" storyline.

True Blood Season 2 comments and Season 3 peeks *spoiler alert*

Blood Bath: Televisionary Talks to "True Blood" Writer/Executive Producer Alan Ball
Written by Jace

Still have some burning questions about last night's True Blood season finale? Or anxious to gather some clues about just what creator/executive producer Alan Ball has in store for the residents of Bon Temps when True Blood returns next summer? You've come to the right place.

>>> CONTINUE READING ON TELEVISIONARY <<<<

True Blood's Frenzy left us in a frenzy (and not in a good way)

io9.com: In Which True Blood Ruins My Vampire Yahtzee Fantasies
By Meredith Woerner, Mon Aug 31 2009 | Article link: here

Last night was the big campy Queen vampire reveal. Will she be pretty? Will she be rich? here's what vampire Evan Rachel Woods said to me... que sera sera.

This episode seemed to tread water a little bit, much like last week's, but at least we got in some quality Eric time. Seriously, he was all over the place with his Matrix-flying dress-wearing Swedish ass. And we approved of all of that. The rest? Well, kind of a crazy let down. But let me tell it to you, "Pro and Con" style.

Con: Evan Rachel Wood's Queen schtick. Was she a whole lotta glam packed in one tiny body? Yes. Well styled? Yes. Did she have a fabulous day room? Yes. Was she handed some of the best one-liners in True Blood History? Oh yes. The True Blood crew, writers, and stylists set this character up with the most non-fail safety net in the history of sexy vampires who say clever things. Which is why I'm shocked to the core at how she single handedly almost destroyed this character entirely. Her delivery came across as brittle, wooden and, well, dead.

In fact I enjoyed all those other things about her character so much that I would forget how bad her delivery was, with a gasp and giggle thinking... oooooh, vampire Bill playing Yahtzee — hand claps all around chortle, chuckle, snort — wait... what? You're not even trying. I felt like I was watching my baby sister pretend act out the Great Gatsby, slightly tipsy off strawberry wine but completely bored with the entire shenanigan. "Whaaats that you say," feigned eye roll and look of disinterest, "that's acting, mah dear boy. Now lookatme be all vampiresque and royal campy camp." It's not fair, she was handed the best lines of the night on a silver platter, and the whole time I was thinking Vampire Bill is out-crap-acting you. Be more something, anything — be more interesting. Your blood donors are out shining you. It was like listening to nails on a chalk board to hear her stiffly eke out the "kidding" joke to Bill about having sex. I know you are carefree and no longer of this world since you have all the answers but give us something, just a bit to go on.

Bottom line: ERW half committed to True Blood, and in a land where people shoot light out of their fingers, pretend to be horned gods, have sex with trees, and turn into flies, you really have to lay it all out there if you want to stand out. When Sam transforms into a fly, he sells it... when Jason talks his idiotic banter, there's no winky cringe from the actor trying to imply that he's secretly smart underneath it all. Ryan Kwanten is 100% Jason, awkward eggplant engorged penis scene and all, and that's why we love him. If you don't commit, you're just a disappointing cameo that wasted a great character. But what am I saying? There is no such thing as time or God or whatever for a vampire, but I don't really remember because I was zoning out every time she spoke, hoping we could get back to the day-room shots, which were lovely.

But again, let me remind you that her writing, look and surrounding cast were all excellent. I would frame the pictures I grabbed of her in her larger-than-average fangs. She's a classic undead beauty, you cannot deny it. But The Queen lost a loyal subject out of me entirely with her delivery.

But moving on, because it's not healthy to harp on this and there's a lot of good still to come.

Pro: Hoyt's response to Jessica's actions is pretty believable, and I approve — he's been a momma's boy longer than he's been a boyfriend.

Con: Tara is still upset about Eggs, I'm upset that she's upset about Eggs, doesn't she pride herself in being a smart person? Did she not just realize that she was possessed and that this lady is probably going to kill more people and make them eat hearts? So shouldn't we think about this a bit more? Nope, not Tara. She will yell and scream and say totally unfounded things like, "I finally found a strong, beautiful good man who loves me".... oh, Tara I hate to burst your bubble but, no. None of those things apply to Eggs, or anyone named Eggs, ever.

Con: Tara called Lafayette a freak....now you're just being mean. Pushing Lafayette off your side is the wrong thing to do lady.

Pro: Sam, Jason and Andy cleaning up the bar...glad we have time for this guys.

Pro: Jason and Sam fighting each other, and Jason kind of making sense — not really but a little bit, especially when he stats quoting leftover things in his brain, "sometimes you need to destroy something to save it."

Pro: Arlene's kids have taken to the woods, which is what kids do when they are hungry: turn into crazy feral children. That's why you should feed them regularly or they will turn on you.

Pro: Bill Texts Sookie. What do you think Bill's text looks like? "SUUUUKIE I WILL BE RETIRING AT THE PALACE, I WILL RETURN UPON NIGHTFALL. I WILL REQUIRE RELATIONS. ERIC IS EVIL. XO - VAMPIRE BILL"

Con: Sookie's description of Tara's feelings while being possessed made zero sense at all.

Con: Tara is spoiled and cares about no one other than herself, which is probably why she and Sook are besties. Seriously Tara you're going to let your Mom shoot the only person who cares about you? This whole nonsense is killing me. Everyone hates Eggs Tara, EVERYONE, so what you're trying to do here is not noble, it's severely irritating. LET HIM DIE.

Con: Why haven't we been seeing more of Lafayette's sex dreams? More of L's dreams, less of Sookie's, please.

Con: Lafayette's PTSD reaction. Twitchy boring annoying I hate both Tara and her mom now and whoever decided this is how they would demonstrate Lafayette's problems.

Pro: But because of his crazy PTSD episode we get Eric in Tara's mom's dress. Yay. I'd forgotten about these moments. So does this mean Lafayette is having sex dreams about Eric and PTSD dreams?

Pro: Sookie telling Tara she's being a fucking idiot. Well, at least someone said it. But it's not the same when the person delivering the news needs to be taking it as well.

Pro: Jason's mind wrapping around Sam's powers. I'm glad it doesn't actually stop here with the questions. What if Sam....

Pro: Dance With me!

Con: Sam and Arlene kids talking about their mysterious missing Daddy: "All i know is his name is Dwayne and he tattooed mama's name on her stomach." Well, that's probably not important at all, is it?

Con: Sookie telling Lafayette to suck it up. Is he not driving the car towards the problem? Timing, babe, timing.

Con: Tara storming in and kissing smiley faced Eggs and not once thinking, hmmmm this was a huge mistake. But no matter "That shit doesn't work on her anymore...punch to the face.....nope wait it does." So that was easy enough, wasn't it? Moving on.

Con: Maryann's new powers of 1,000 squeaking mice is inside our minds.

Pro: Jason arguing about taking advantage of women while they're passed out or under the influence of the devil or whatnot.

Con: SHAME on you True Blood for making me think that Andy was dead, even for a second.

Pro: Hoyt's sad backstory, finding out while his mom was all crazy pants. Also pro to whatever his Mom was cooking, out of hot sauce and candy...

Con: Sookie comparing the naked people in her house to when she almost got raped in Dallas — but really, this house defilement was so much worse than her rape. Are you kidding me? It's like there is a bell in her head saying, "Wait a minute, we stopped talking about me. Hey remember when I almost got raped, you don't? Well this is way worse. Did you hear me I said I was almost raped you know. Me me me me me me I I I I I I, the world all happens because I make it so!"

Pro: Thank god Arlene and Terry are in the tree and could stop this madness with more madness.

Pro: This is the first time I've been afraid of the black-eyed people because holy crumudgeoncrapple she just cut off her finger as a gift! I'm glad they didn't take it this far too early.

Pro: Sink guy, at my next party, I'm making sure I have one of those handy.

Pro: Eric decides to sit like this....

Con: Hey remember Pam? She remembers you and wants you to remember the funny joke she made once about shoes, remember she just said it! Think! Hard! Also BAD outfit. Pam, but arguably this is all in her wheelhouse, so it's a Con/Pro really for being consistent, like when Bill wet-blankets things.

Pro: Tea cup humans are delicious.

Con: Eric's willingness to help out, presumably to impress Sookie. Blah, we are so lucky that this whole disgusting display of emotion was then covered up with FLYING ERIC.....zoooooooooom. Eric Awaaaaay. Flying is a Pro.

Pro: Bill in flowery swimming trunks.

Con: This whole hilarious moment is almost ruined by the Queen and her attempt to convince me that she loves seeing two men together — please, with some sort of believability, please. Prove it.

Con: KARL! oh no who will bring us towels now! No way will Lafayette be her bitch man.

Con: EVR is RUINING vampire Yahtzee for me. RUINING IT. I will never forgive her for this. This is one of those moments that will probably never be captured on screen again and she is just yawning through it. I'm being robbed of the experience of fully enjoying vampire Yahtzee. And the worst part of it all, I feel like she knows she's doing it. I'm getting the impression that in her mind she doesn't really care how the Vampire Queen of Louisiana would play Yahtzee. I never actually believed that she hated 3-sies or anything else she was all but reciting from memory during this conversation. It's more, "I said a funny campy thing. Look at me, I'm so glam-glam goth, which is totally in right now, campy camp camp words, okay bye." UGH.

Pro: Thank god for Hadley and her slutty but not really bathing suit, and pigtails. It's cute trash with a red strawberry tint, and I'm into it. Am I curious about her backstory, maybe next season with the whole Arlene's other ex whatnot. I like that Bill didn't tell her Gan was dead, probably for that best.

Pro: Thank you for finally saying what we've all been thinking, Queeny. This is your pro for the night: it's time for Eric and Bill to get together already.

Pro: Eric's mussy Peter Pan hair. I can flyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Pro: Bill calling Eric desperate and than saying he'll tell the Queen he's letting humans sell vampire blood. Who's desperate now, bitch? I also like how pissed this made Eric, let's hope there is more to the Queen. A mean side perhaps?

Pro: Jason making sure he and Andy carb up before their big battle, then they each say pussy 1,000 times and Jason gets to talk about how hard it is being him... There really is too much good to this conversation. I think I need to post it.

I'm taking back last weeks aforementioned Supernatural Surveillance Andy and Sam private eye sitcom... I'm thinking it may have to be three men and a vampire baby, I can't live without Jason saying the things that he does. Accepting title submissions now.

Also another pro to Jason for foreshadowing the terrible scrambled ended. Remember this is how True Blood uses foreshadowing, by just telling us the future.

Con: Sookie is STILL on the floor? She's so helpful and smart.

Con: Sink boy is gone.

Con: Aaaaand the big reveal is a giant egg. Yep a giant freaking egg. No, no seriously a group of adults sat down and looked at each other and decided that the big climax for the second to last episode that we've bore through countless hours of group sex for, will be squeezed out of Maryann's well dressed body, because she is a chicken lady.

Then Sookie screams because they just ruined the best character in the world by making him a black-eyed zombie. And I scream, because it's a giant fucking egg. This is what I've been waiting for? So Maryann is going to make love to whatever comes out of the egg, or does it need to be fertilized like fish eggs? Will she sit on top of it at one point and cluck like a giant bird? Yes, True Blood, I was surprised, but I'm not sure if it was a good thing. Then again that's pretty ridiculous but perhaps we've gone a bit too far with this one. We may have crossed the rat shit insane Rubicon by already having Eric in a dress, Yahtzee, black eyed naked zombies and flying undead people. Just saying it's hard not to see this giant egg and think this...

And that's it. We have to wait a whole extra week before the finale, which feels like a reenactment of Jason's god hoax from the previous episodes but with more dresses, and probably a death. Here's what I'm taking away with ERW: she was bad, but beautiful. My problem with her was the stiff delivery which really got in the way when you compare her to the actors that are just going insane on this series. Eric had to bend over and convince me that children were especially yummy this episode, and he did, expertly. So can I just take old ERW as eye candy and just que sera the whole Queen conundrum, like she did to Bill's problems... Yes I can, I'm not happy about her super-fun game time face, but there's always vampire Taboo and vampire Pictionary.

True Blood 2.08 recap: "Luke is da bomb!"

Luke is da bomb!

True Blood 2.08: Timebomb

Jason, God saves! Especially from the paintball shots, but his future fertility may be in question. Sarah shares her distaste for all things Stackhouse… she must be moody because only 24 hrs ago she seemed to love every part of Jason Stackhouse.

Eric channels his inner hillbilly and wants to borrow a stake. Ah dang, Eric missed the BYOS (bring your own stake) memo.

Steve tells Sookie, (aka. the evil whore of Satan), the war has begun. You’re either with us, or against us… but if you decide you’re with us, you’re only a no-good fangbangin’ traitor and you’ll die strapped to a vamp when he meets the sun. Have a nice day.

Barry becomes Lorena’s dinner… but he’s a different vintage. She can’t quite put her finger on it. Bill doesn’t care much for plasma TVs. Maybe the TiVo forgot to record Buffy for him.

Jessica and Hoyt getting it on. Poor Jess, she’s doomed to be a virgin for eternity. Hoyt doesn’t seem to mind, but Jessica is uncomfortable with the sex. Eternity sucks.

Oh shit hooka! Lafayette is reading cards and spinning fortunes. Justice makes an appearance and spooks Lafayette into cleaning the grill. Eggs might be showing the early signs of Alhzeimers… but it must be in the water ‘cuz the whole town is blackin’ out.

HONESTY dude. Jason’s already been to heaven, but Steve doesn’t seem to understand which pearly gates Jason is talking about. I hope I don’t die and go to that heaven. Sarah’s not my style.

MaryAnne is cooking up something hearty. Its Hunter Soufflé and I don’t think you’ll be finding this recipe in any of Paula Deen’s cookbooks. Daphne joins us for dinner and Tara and Eggs just can’t get enough. of one another. knockin’ the shit out each other. Black saucer eyes!

Back at the Fellowship compound, Jason is mighty handy with the paintball gun and the Dallas vamps are here for an assist. All hell’s about to break loose and Stan looks hot in a Stetson. It’s Kumbaya time at the Fellowship lock-in with Godric wishing to mend fences and love thy neighbor nice-ities. Steve doesn’t like that song.

Uh oh, Sam is taking the heat for the Merlotte’s waitress curse. Its kinda like the King Tut curse only you die by the hand of a deranged killer. Bud wants to know why Sam has less credentials than an AKC registered Collie.


The lady in red seems to have recovered from her plasma TV gaping head wound and wants a meet and greet with Sookie. CAT FIGHT! SHENANIGANS! Sookie all but says “Bill IS MINE”. Lorena gets fangy and takes a verbal lashing from Godric. Look out.. Lorena’s mascara is running with her blood tears and Bill tells her to get lost.

Luke is a party crasher and he’s packing a message from Steve, the kind that kills the messenger.

Next time:
Time to be out of control with Tara and Eggs. Sam Merlotte is being summoned and the vamps are getting fangy.

Ding Dong the Pig is Dead - True Blood 2.07 Release Me recap

Ding Dong the Pig is Dead
True Blood 2.07: Release Me Recap
Wake the Dead Podcast | Brandi Hess

Sookie and Hugo are still holed up at the Fellowship compound and they’ve found board games! Good times are to be had by all! Only, Hugo is as nervous as a caged lion and he’s ready for a chit-chat with Steve. Steve would rather trace the family tree with Sookie. Uh oh, I guess Stackhouse isn’t very common ‘cause he figured out Jason and Sookie’s kinship. Man, talk about livin’ in a small town!

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Lorena and Bill are flashing back again. It’s 1935 and Lorena brings Bill a sweet little apricot delight by way of a chorus girl. Bill doesn’t care much for desserts and sends his food away. Lorena hates waste and picks a fight with Bill. A few “you are mine” and “I will never love you’s” are passed around until Lorena gives up and releases Bill.

So why is she still here? They decided to stay up all night… er all day together and get a bad case of “The Bleeds”. I guess vampires need their beauty sleep too, otherwise you get blood running out of all your orifices. Barry drops by with a message for Bill, the walls are thin and the vamp hearing is turned up high because Eric runs to the rescue… of Godric.

Sarah and Jason are spending quality time in church, only I don’t think they’re there to worship. Well, maybe Sarah is, because she’s doing God’s work by cheating on her husband. IN HIS LIGHT!

Hoyt and Jessica are ready to turn in their purity rings to the sounds of Bleeding Love. Ahh, Hoyt’s just a cutie-patootie with his rose petals and blood-scented candles. I wonder if I could get blood-scented candles at Target. Maybe vamps can put them on their bridal registries!

Back in Bon Temps, all hell is breaking lose and Andy is still looking for PIG! Sam takes flight as an owl, and MaryAnne is none too pleased. She goes rabbit hunting and is thinking of a wonderful stew a la KARL! Ka-Ka-Ka KARL!

Arlene is afraid she slipped Terry the date rape drug, somebody got lucky even though she doesn’t remember. Lafayette meets Tara’s Eggs and compliments Satan with a damn fine hat. MMmmm and the new V Lafayette is sellin’ is going “faster than fritters at a fat farm”.

Sam meets up with Daphne at the local swimming hole. She’s been liberated by a maenad and thinks he should too. Sam doesn’t want any part of it, he’s packin’ heat. Daphne sticks around and waits for MaryAnne only to find black saucer eyes Eggs shoving a knife in her side. She’s done.

Back to the Fellowship compound, Steve and Gabe take Jason for a little ride in the car (Sopranos style) and dump him off to burn in hell at the hands of Gabe.

Sookie discovers Hugo’s the mole! He can update his resume to add fangbanger traitor to his list of recent jobs. Gabe comes back after being on the receiving end of a smackdown from Jason and tells Sookie he’s going to show her what’s she’s been missing from the human lover department. Godric shows up and we have a meet and greet.

Next up, a vampire militia led by Stan storm the Fellowship compound, Eric trades places with Godric, and MaryAnne tenderizes a heart.

Dammit Momma! Turn my cell back on! (True Blood recap)

True Blood 2.06: Hard Hearted Hannah

It’s the roaring 20s and Bill and Lorena are vamping it up old-school style. “F*k Prohibition!” is what I say! I guess back in the day Bill wasn’t so sensitive to human emotions and wasn’t sold on the whole mainstreaming concept yet. Watch out ladies, this one’s a biter!

Sorry Sam, your love life sucks worse than Terry’s. Daphne teaches us there’s more than meets the eye (even for pig shifters) and lures Sam to MaryAnne’s hog heaven orgy festival. Everyone is doing 30-ways of nasty and Tara and scrambled Eggs just got home in time. Daphne says it’s the end of the road Sam and I happen to think this is an excellent time to fly.. as in shift into a bird Sam! Fly like the wind!

Lafeyette is back to business at Merlotte’s, Pam is offering employment opportunities turning his old tricks, V! Lafeyette ain’t playin. Terry tells Andy he’s not the same sheriff he was at Memaw’s and Papaws… ah.. isn’t that precious!

Meanwhile, back in Dallas. There’s all sorts of fang-tastic stuff happening, starting with Eric likes his donors kinky! Lorena’s in town sporting vintage bling. Bill’s not that thrilled to see his old tramp, as opposed to Jessica who is tickled pink… err white, to see that Hoyt made a road trip! Yippee!

Sookie and Hugo take a roadtrip themselves, to the Fellowship of the Sun compound. The compound sports a church, dorms, bunker and, thanks to Jason & Luke a “Meet the Sun” burn-a-vamp-in-flames alter! Folks this makes for a great tourism brochure! While Jason and Luke sing camp songs, Sookie and Hugo make wedding plans. Steve Newlin gives the grand tour with a grand finale trip to his daddy’s tomb. That Steve! He’s such a character! Sarah doesn’t think Sookie would like the dark, damp basement. Me neither, my hair always frizzes with that kind of humidity. Steve insists and shoves Sookie down the steps. Why is Hugo here? Dude can’t even protect a girl.

Sarah doesn’t like the “c” word, you know, the one that rhymes with bundt. But we’re not talking cakes here honey. She leans on Jason, because God, its His will.. you know.. God is all about adultery and live and let live, especially in church!

Next up, Bill sharpen stakes for Sookie, Eric puts the smack down on the Dallas vamps and Newlin is onto Jason’s shenanigans.